Mediation Resources
For Parents
There are special issues for parents who are separating and their children. Because of some of these concerns, the State of Oregon requires parents to file a Parenting Plan when they are filing for divorce or for a custody order. There is also a requirement for all parents to attend a parent education class. Mediation is especially well suited to address the issues and concerns around children and future parenting relationships.
Parenting Plans
A parenting plan addresses the schedule for a child and how the parents will make decisions about the child in the future. Mediation can help you to form a detailed parenting plan that is customized to the needs of the child and the parents. The Oregon Judicial Department (OJD) has collected a number of excellent publications and tools on their Parenting Plan Page.
Decision Making and Custody
In Oregon, “custody” does not mean parenting time. Custody means the right to make major decisions for the welfare of a child. See Custody Section of the OJD page for more details.
Mediation will give you the opportunity to discuss custody as well as issues pertaining to communication, substitute care, parenting philosophies, and even topics relating to new partners. What happens if my co-parent wants to move away? How do I trust my co-parent to care for our child the way I feel they should? Mediation gives you the space to write an agreement unique to your family.
Parenting Time Schedule
Mediation provides a perfect opportunity to craft your basic weekly and special occasion schedules for your children. The OJD online parenting plan guides will help you get ready for this discussion. Vacation and holiday planning is a large part of a family’s parenting plan. You can print out our holiday planning worksheet and work on it on your own or in a mediation session.
There are special issues to consider for children under four years of age (“Birth Through Three”). Parting Waters Partner, Linda Scher, played an important role in the development of Birth Through Three materials for Oregon and presented them in a webinar.
Parent and Child Divorce Education Programs by County
Parent Education class completion certificates are mandatory if you are filing a parenting plan with the court.
For Additional Support
Children’s Books and Materials
The Oregon Judicial Department has generated a very comprehensive list of books and materials for kids of all ages.
Websites
Association of Family and Conciliation Courts – This international professional organization publishes helpful pamphlets and indexes other resources for parents experiencing divorce or separation.
Planning for Parenting Time - The Arizona Supreme Court has created a helpful publication about parenting plans.
Divorce Info – Created by Florida divorce attorney and mediator, Lee Bordon, this site offers knowledgeable and even handed articles of interest, including “How Can I Get the Kids Through This?”, “What are the Mistakes People Make Most Often in Divorce?”, and “What do I do now that I’ve Screwed Up?”
Divorce Source – This site has book lists, helpful articles, and referrals to various professionals indexed by city and state.
Divorce Support – Resources and services including, help in finding a divorce professional, information on child support, and a bookstore.
Up to Parents – A multimedia site with resources specifically for parents.
Videos
Split – a deeply personal film that explores the effects of divorce on children. The film features twelve children aged 6-12, who explore the often frightening and always life-altering separation of their parents. A parent guide is available in addition to the DVD.
Multnomah County Mediation Orientation – Shows how mediation works, with judges and other professionals explaining the benefits to families.
Finances
In every divorce the real and personal property of the parties is divided in some manner. In Oregon there is a presumption that both spouses contributed equally to the assets acquired during the marriage, and an expectation that assets and debts will be fairly divided. Mediation will help you explore these concepts and craft a unique financial outcome that suits your needs.
Preparing to Talk About Finances
We will help you with the process of exchanging financial information (“discovery”) to make sure all parties to mediation are fully informed. Discovery includes both shared and individual assets and debts. Once you have scheduled an appointment, we recommend you begin collecting and sharing your documents. Our asset and debt checklist will guide you through the collection process. You don’t have to have everything together before the first appointment. This is something we will review in session.
Budget
We will help you plan for your financial security now and in the future. Creating a budget is crucial to making sure you walk away from mediation with a plan that’s going to work for everyone. We’ve created a budget worksheet (also available as a MSExcel Spreadsheet) that streamlines the discussion, or you can use your own budget form.
Child Finances
Determining child support is a required part of a divorce or separation agreement when children are involved. Because it costs more to run two homes than it does one, it’s important that parents begin to figure out their new budgets from the get go. We’ve created a budget spreadsheet for you to use. The state of Oregon has a child support calculator to determine a payment amount meant to balance out the cost of caring for children between houses. We will run a calculation once we have all the information we need. You may agree to a different amount if you explain your reasons in your paperwork.
Communication Tools
Clear and respectful communication is the key to successfully navigating conflict. A mediator will help you stay focused and clear, and able to listen without interrupting or reacting. Our goal is to set you up for success by helping you create clear guidelines for working together outside of session and into the future. Some skills can be practiced in session. Here are two helpful tools for staying afloat when waters are choppy.
Email Samples
These sample emails can be adapted to your family and used in communicating with the other parent in a consistent, effective and positive manner. Each sample has a unique subject line that is designed to give the other parent a "heads up" that the email will follow a certain pattern and is communicating a certain message.
Temporary Request for Schedule Change
Use this to ask for a one-time or short-term change in the schedule
Use this when you are not available during your parenting time and you want to offer the other parent the first chance to be with the child.
Use this to let the other parent know about a medical appointment, when there is a change in your child's health, when you've given your child medication, etc.
New Activity - Shared Decision Request
Use this when you need to talk to the other parent about a new activity or event you would like your child to be involved in.
Use this when you have a concern about your child that you want to share or discuss with the other parent.
Use this to let the other parent know about an event involving your child.
Use this to let the other parent know that your child will be somewhere other than the usual place. You might combine this with the Temporary Request for Schedule Change if you would have to change the schedule in order for your child to attend the event.
Use this to let the other parent know that you will be somewhere other than the usual place, either with or without your child. You might combine this with the Temporary Request for Schedule Change if you would have to change the schedule in order for you to attend the event.
Talker-Listener Tool
There is a Talker-Listener Card created by Dr. James Petersen, is a handy communication tool for communicating in-person. It is a card that folds over so one side is facing the talker and the other side faces the listener. When the talker is finished, they simply flip the sign or hand over the card so the other person can respond.
Do It Yourself
If you decide you want to try to do your own Divorce, Separation or Custody and Parenting Plan Agreement, or to make changes to those agreements on your own, there are resources in Oregon to help you to complete and file the paperwork. Your best first resource for legal forms is your local county courthouse and the Oregon Judicial Department website’s Family Law section. Many courthouses have family law facilitators who can help you with the forms. Some offer do-it-yourself divorce classes as well.
You can always decide to use mediation for the areas you are not able to resolve after trying to work out the details of your agreement on your own.
If you are unsure of any of the terms used on this site or elsewhere, this glossary can help.